I’m scared of this surgery. I’ve never had surgery before, I’ve never even been in the hospital. So it feels like a big deal. And they’re not just removing a little something, they’re chopping off a hefty chunk of bone and replacing it with artificial pieces. Makes me a little queasy thinking about it.
I’m mostly scared for two reasons. First, I had a co-worker many years ago, fit and in her early 40s, who went in for a routine knee surgery to fix her ACL. Two days later, a blood clot went to her heart and she died almost instantly. So that freaks me out. Second, I’m very sensitive to drugs in general and hardly ever take anything. NyQuil once made me hallucinate. So I’m scared of the effects of the onslaught of anesthesia, pain killers, antibiotics, blood thinners and whatever else I’m going to get. I’m afraid I’ll be sick or unhinged for some time after.
And then there’s the joint replacement itself. Will it take? Will it work? How will my body integrate it? Will everything work right afterwards? Will I be one of those few whose legs are noticeably different lengths? At a dinner party, a nurse kindly informed me that sometimes the sciatic nerve gets damaged and you can never flex your foot again. These things are not pleasant, but my functioning is impaired enough now that ending up slightly wonky doesn’t actually worry me too much.
So I’ve been preparing. I figure the stronger and healthier I am before this trauma, the better. So I’m exercising more (luckily I can ride a bike without much pain). I’m faithfully doing the strengthening and releasing exercises my physical therapist has recommended for all the outraged muscles around both hips. I’m doing gentle and therapeutic yoga to make sure I don’t freeze up, even though my range of motion is limited now and will be worse for a while. I’m eating healthy and drinking lots of nourishing and anti-inflammatory teas and things. Turmeric root and ginger root, for example. Maybe I can even lose a few pounds.
I’m worried about my horses. For the first week after surgery, my husband is taking off work and will be around to help me and do horse chores. After that, it gets sketchier, and I have to do what I hate the most: ask friends and neighbors for help. I don’t know how long before I should be walking around the muddy paddock carrying feed buckets and climbing through fences, but somehow I think it will take more than a week to get there.
I wish I knew better what to expect in that first week or two. They tell you generally that you have to walk a lot right away, do your PT exercises, ice your leg. There will be some pain and swelling. You’ll have drugs to choose from. You may need a raised toilet seat, maybe a shower chair. But what will it actually be like for me and for how long? I live in the mountains and I don’t know that the walker they recommend will go over bumpy dirt roads, so will I be confined to walking around the house for a while? All I can do is pile up books to read, collect the equipment they recommend, and stack my Netflix watch list. And wait to find out.
On Elk Meadow Road 
I can understand your fear, but fear is healthy in its own way. Though some of the horror stories you are hearing about can be unnerving, I think it helps to know what the worst can be. You have to be prepared for anything. You are doing all the right things, Kate. Getting yourself ready, prepared, informed, and as healthy as possible. I know you don’t want to take drugs like they will be giving you, but you will not be able to do your physical therapy without them. Not initially. And that therapy is a must. Just keep reminding yourself how your life would be compromised if you chose to opt out of the surgery. It’s simply not an option at this point. I am pulling for you every step of the way. Ask your friends for help – that’s what they want to do for you. Help you and be useful. Let them.