How to Fix Your Horse Problems

If he won’t get in the trailer, it might be because he’s worried about the shaky footing, or because he hated the last trailer ride he went on, or because he’s ignoring you, or because his friends are back in the paddock, or because you’re not being firm enough, or because you never taught him to mind you in the first place, or because you just don’t have what it takes. 

            If he wiggles while you saddle him, it might be because he’s uncomfortable with the cinch, or because there’s a sticker in the saddle blanket, or because he’s distracted by the dogs over there, or because he’s bored, or because his back hurts, or because he doesn’t respect you, or because you just can’t get there with him. 

            If he won’t pick up the canter, it might be because he’s out of balance in his hind end, or because he’s too heavy on his front end, or because he’s lazy, or because you haven’t got his attention, or because you’re out of position, or because your legs say go but your seat says stay, or because you really don’t belong here.

            You can fix it by doing more by doing less, or by being his leader while being his friend, or by moving faster without rushing, or by moving slower without dawdling, or by driving him into a stop, or by working him harder without drilling him, or by finding and filling in all the secret holes in your character.

            And you can fix it by being sure, being flexible, being confident, being relaxed, being fair, being firm, being brave, being humble, being bigger than you are, being smaller than you are, being what you always wanted to be and never were.

            Just don’t be emotional, don’t be cold, don’t wait too long, don’t come in too soon, don’t chicken out, don’t push too hard, don’t nag at him, don’t coddle him, don’t think too much, don’t forget, don’t rush him, don’t get sucked into the existential chasm in the corner. 

You’ll know you’ve got it when he’s content and willing and snappy and relaxed and bright and forward and balanced. 

You’ll know it’s good when you’re in harmony, in synch, partners in a dance. 

His legs will be as your legs, your bodies will move as one. 

And the nights will pass quicker and the shadows in the corners will grow quiet.

You’ll know.

My Manifesto (or, It’s Not You, It’s Me)

No longer will I wear the disguise! No longer will I pretend to be cool or impervious or like everyone else! No longer will I call myself vile names for being weak in body or mind! No longer!

Instead, I will embroider a flag and wave it high. My flag will say:

  • I’m acrophobic and I won’t follow you up that climb with the sheer drop-offs on one or both sides.
  • I wither in the heat and I won’t be joining you for afternoon anything in high summer. In fact, I tend toward Seasonal Affective Disorder in the summer months anyway, so you might as well just leave me out of it.
  • I could drink the beer, wine, or cocktail you offer, but I would probably get a splitting headache shortly thereafter, not sleep well, and feel like crap tomorrow and I want to do things tomorrow. So, sorry but no.
  • I don’t know if I have social anxiety or I’m an introvert or I’m shy or what, but I cannot carry on small talk for very long, especially in crowded or noisy places. It’s not about you, but I’ll be out of there thank you very much.
  • At the end of a long day — or pretty much any day — I need to shut down all the stimulus. I need to be not talked to, not observed, not teased. Just for a while, or maybe for a long time. It’s not you, really, it’s me.
  • I go to bed early. That’s all.
  • I can’t sit in a chair very long. It cramps my body and makes me squirm inside and out. So I might lie on the floor or walk around while we talk. If I can’t do those things, I might leave soon. Same if it’s too hot or stuffy or cluttered. Not because of you, because of me.
  • I don’t enjoy music festivals. Or parties. Or large group dinners. Or receptions. Or airplane seatmates who talk. I just don’t.
  • When I get uncomfortable (from any of the above or anything else), it overtakes me hard and fast and I need to make a change. Quick. It could seem rude, but it’s not you, it’s me.
  • If I seem like a pain in the ass, imagine being me.

*Nothing in this manifesto should be construed to contradict that I love a good laugh, I love my friends deeply and forever, I am mostly brave and strong and often playful, I am multi-faceted, and I do my best. For further reading, consult hsp.com and Meyers Briggs and the Cambridge dictionary.

I’m going to need a big flag.

Seven things I know about horses

Range

After we moved to the woods, we unpacked musty dreams from the bottoms of trunks. 

Perspective

When I met him, my first horse Jack lived at someone else’s place.  To the owner, sipping rare tequila on his gazebo, it was the set of Dallas; to me, poking around in my earliest horse capers, it was the OK Corral; to Jack, at the bottom of the herd hierarchy in the dusty yard, it was a low-rent apartment.

Compassion

The horse can feel a fly land on him in a windstorm.  Once I put someone else’s saddle on Jack.  He was reluctant to move but I made him.  Part-way through our ride, he gave an all-over shudder like a wet dog.  When I took the saddle off, we ran fingers along his spine and he flinched, scooping his belly toward the ground.  I felt like a traitor.

Acceptance

I bought a little colt, just weaned from his mother. He immediately tried to nurse on Jack.  Jack’s eyes bugged out, but he let the baby hunt.

Leadership

Jack and I were collecting cattle from open country.  We got separated from the other riders and horses.  Jack did not believe I had control of the situation, so he called and called, sending to the 360-degree horizon for a better companion. 

Trust

Jack had a few owners before me.  One rejected him at age three.  One rode him once a year for three years.  Jack fled from his last owner so hard he broke his own halter rope and went tumbling over backwards.  Jack showed the vet the whites of his eyes.  I rode Jack for thirteen years, in arenas, on trails, through obstacle courses, to round up cattle.  Jack was very selective in his friends, but he let me scratch him between his ears.

Generosity

I fell off my young colt and broke my arm. For the first time, I had fear with the horses. Choking fear, nauseous fear. Seeing people riding horses on TV made my throat close up. I crept over to Jack in the dawn before work, crawled on his gentle old back, and rode him one-armed at a walk through the high grass. He gave me no guff and ignored my tears.

Heartbreak

Jack died. I nursed him into his old age, bringing him hot mash every night to bank against his skinny frame. But he died in blood and foam and seizure. We don’t know why, but somehow his skull was pierced in the night. The vet, not my usual beloved vet who just had to be away, said “You can shoot him or I can euthanize him.” After the injection, I cut his tail and had a bracelet made of his hair.       

In my estivation…..

Estivation: prolonged torpor or dormancy of an animal during a hot or dry period.

I’m one of these strange creatures whose lowest point of the year is high summer. Yet it turns out I’m not that strange after all! I’m just an estivator, like my cousins the snails and hedgehogs and tortoises and lemurs!

It’s not just the hot part of a given summer day when I enter a torpor. It starts right ahead of the summer solstice and lasts into the early part of September. Even on relatively cool summer days, or during the lovely mountain summer mornings and evenings, each of my attendant parts — physical, mental, emotional — is draggy and slow and heavy. Motivation is a distant memory.

Summer is supposed to be the season of growth and expansion. Outdoor sports and long, busy, social days. I try. I drag my estivating carcass through camping trips and barbecues and outdoor festivities. But mostly I want to follow my friends’ examples:

  • When it gets above 86 degrees, hedgehogs estivate by lowering their metabolism, curling up in a ball, spines outward, and hibernating for weeks
  • Desert tortoises estivate in the relative cool of their burrows, where they can go for a year without drinking when their metabolisms are slow
  • The fat-tailed dwarf lemur is a champion among mammalian estivators — they go down for up to seven months, punctuated by “interbout arousals,” which sound like fun
  • Snails retreat into their shells to estivate when it’s too hot and dry for their taste
  • Salamanders, earthworms and lungfish add a neat twist — they cover themselves in a thick layer of mucosal slime for protection during their estivations

Every summer I long to curl up in a prickly ball and ignore everything. It could be “reverse” seasonal affective disorder, where misfits get depressed in the summer instead of the winter. Or maybe my body just has other, seasonal plans.

Wake me up on September 15.

From eddy to mainstream and back again

I’m not sure I want the year of quarantine to end. For 16 months, I’ve felt almost normal. No FOMO or kicking myself for not “participating.” The bars and conferences and receptions and art festivals were dark. No pressure to act like a regular person and just go to the damn thing and wear a smile and desperately try to understand what everyone else is enjoying. No energy spent on creative excuse design. No wondering what planet I’m from.

Instead, I was like an elder stateswoman at home in her element. A lifetime of experience made me a pro at staying home, hanging out with a small number of loved ones and the animals. For the first time I can remember, I felt the satisfaction of being in the mainstream, doing what everyone else was doing.

Good riddance to the illness and premature deaths! Well-deserved rest to the front line responders! Goodbye to the stifling masks and smelly hand sanitizer! But can we all just be a little homier now? Can I stay near the edge of the mainstream instead of eddying back out to the weirdo fringe?

Ah well, probably not. Back to the edges I go. But at least I learned something valuable — I didn’t miss the bars or conferences or receptions or art festivals one bit. I can throw FOMO out with my used masks. To each their own and I’m just a bit clearer on what my own is.

Good horse, good truck

Last week we had to evacuate because of a wildfire less than a mile from our property. I’ve played out — and dreaded — this scenario in my mind dozens of times and now it had arrived. But it was not as I had imagined before — now I had cows.

I was alone at the time. Dozens of channels in my mind alerted at once. The animals! Paperwork and keepsakes in the house! Where will we go? The animals! How long do I have? The livestock trailers! The animals!

I hooked up our good truck to my big horse trailer. I collected my horses from where they were grazing at pasture. All the time I was panicking about everything I was not doing.

I went to hook up our beat up old farm truck to my smaller, older horse trailer, but found I had been softened and weakened by the advent of backup cameras. In my increasing panic and with lack of practice, I could not connect the old truck to the old trailer without another set of eyes. Luckily, my neighbor was able to come help guide me in.

Then she helped me load the cows in the smaller trailer. Cows are not like horses; they are somewhat trained to lead with a halter, but only somewhat. And they are not accustomed to trailer rides. With a great deal of encouragement, we got mama and the two calves into the trailer and closed the door.

Next we caught the chickens. One by one we accosted them, as they grew more panicked at each of our tries. Somehow we got them all and shoved them in our old, plastic dog kennel and got the kennel hefted into the back of the truck.

Compared to the rest, loading my horses into their trailer was a dream. They were used to the procedure and cooperated smoothly.

I ran to the house and collected our box of legal papers, some underwear and socks, my expensive guitar, my dog’s bed. I snatched semi-randomly at whatever I could.

Finally, my husband arrived home. The dog and I drove off in one truck and trailer and he followed in the other. We headed to a friend’s place who offered shelter for the entire menagerie.

The fire never grew and was quickly contained. Our property was not touched. We reversed ourselves and got everyone back home the following morning.

Yesterday, when I brought the cow and horses in from grazing at pasture, the two calves were nowhere to be found. Mama called for them. I hiked a circuit where they should have been. Nothing. Mama kept calling. This was a scenario I had never pictured.

My first instinct was to saddle my horse and ride out with my lasso rope to find them. That would be the right and normal instinct if you were a cowboy. I’m not. I’ve flirted with cowboyism but never claimed to achieve it. Yet, I had a horse I could rely on, a lasso rope I could do something with, and confidence that together we could do what we needed to do.

In this case, the calves showed up before I could get saddled up, bawling at the gate to get back to mom. I patted my horse on the shoulder, infinitely grateful for what I knew he could have done for us.

It’s one thing to collect some livestock and make friends with them. It’s another to be prepared for the unexpected. That’s the rule of livestock, the unexpected. You can’t foresee every eventuality. You can’t practice all the things that will happen. All you can do is gain general skills and reliable equipment. Build good and mutually helpful relationships. Flirt with and practice whatever comes your way. I never know what I will need my truck or my horse to do, but I rest easier knowing that they will probably be up for it.

The price of milk

I enjoy milking my cow. It’s very intimate sitting on my bucket, leaning my head against her massive side. I listen to her snuffle through the hay for the best bite, hear and feel her side-to-side chewing and then the great swallow. Her teats are warm and soft in my hands, leathery like I imagine elephant skin. The milk jets into the bucket, full of promise. I imagine I feel contentment rolling off her as she eats her breakfast and gets some relief of pressure with my gentle milking, so much less boisterous than the determined nursing of her calf that comes next.

Now there’s fresh milk in my kitchen. A lot of it. I’ve learned how to make yogurt, ice cream, butter, cottage cheese, hard cheese. Every milky thing we can dream of we have. It’s clean and rich and hasn’t given us a moment of discomfort or concern.

My cow is sweet, the milk is sweet. It’s a lovely cycle.

So how do I reconcile the other side of this exchange? To keep in good milk, our cow has a calf every year. The traditional thing to do is butcher these calves after 12-18 months. A calf born, a calf killed, every year.

On a small spread like ours, you get up close and personal with the animals, the way I like it. By the time our current calves reach butchering age, I will have logged thousands of hours with them. Watching over their health, halter training them, scratching their heads, enjoying their playtime, observing their developing minds and bodies. And then I’m supposed to preside over their deaths.

The justifications are many:

  • These calves will have the best possible 18 months of life and the easiest deaths we can provide
  • As long as we consume any dairy products, we’re participating in this cycle, and it’s ethically cleaner to face up to it directly
  • By raising our own milk and meat and sharing it with several families, we are reducing the demand for the services of confined animal feeding operations, hellish places on many levels

Mama cow is grazing contentedly in the meadow. The calves pretend to eat grass, kick up their heels and run in aimless circles, butt their heads together, and return to mama’s side. The milk is sweet, the calves have 16 more months to live.

The justifications are many, and the heartache has yet to be plumbed.

Reasons to Burn

One day, I decided maybe I could burn at the stake, after all. Before that day, I thought, “there is no belief that I hold so dearly that I would allow myself to be burned at the stake rather than forsake it.” According to Wikipedia, when Joan of Arc was burnt alive, her last words were “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!” Now that’s fidelity to a belief. It was a relief to think I could burn, too.

It’s sad to have such paltry beliefs that they could not survive the mere threat of burning alive. Yet, over the years, under attack from innumerable opinions and theories lobbed at me from friend and foe alike, some solid beliefs have lodged in me. “No,” I can say, “I cannot agree with that, because I believe something else and I will not be shifted.” Tie me up and bring the oil, I’m ready! I believe two things!

#1.  Nature has it right.  The web of biological, physical, chemical, quantum, and mathematical powers is perfect. More than perfect, it’s unceasingly mind-blowing. Stable and independent orbits of numerous bodies around a central star.  Giant Tubeworms that survive without sun or oxygen, 5,000 feet below the sea’s surface.  Tardigrades that can survive the vacuum of space and incorporate other beings’ DNA into their own. DNA.  The brilliance of the Jack Pine cone that only drops its seeds after a fire that clears the ground for their germination.  The structure of the inner ear. 

Nature has lots of rules. Things that happen so universally that they are, de facto, rules. Here are just a few: You’re born, you grow, you age, you die.  Entropy happens. Everything is made out of something else that already existed.  Things come (and go) in cycles. 

Here are a few more: There’s no such thing as eternal growth.  You can’t consume more than you need for very long.  Over-crowding is not tolerated.  There is no top of the heap – the bacteria will get you eventually.  You can make a tree into a house or a tiger into a rug, but there are limits – taking atoms apart has grave consequences.

Nature doesn’t screw around. You can’t break the rules, it’s not possible. And if you try to, really work at it, you’ll most likely die.

I believe in nature.  I can go to the fire shouting “The laws of nature! The laws of nature!” Hooray!

#2.  It’s all gray area. There are (almost) no absolutes. Outside the laws of nature, that is. Usually. 

People who are certain of things all the time bother me. First, it’s boring.  Absolutists have no imagination and no curiosity and that is very dull.  Second, it’s demonstrably false.  Show me most absolutes and I’ll find you some exceptions. Third, it’s lazy.  Absolutes take no effort, no thought. Remaining open to all possibilities and casting around for nuance takes more time. Fourth, it ends all conversation. There is no answer to an absolute except (1) another absolute (i.e., a fight); or (2) a meaningless acknowledgment (“mmmmm” or “oh?”). Back to boring, and downright rude in settings where conversation is the intent

Can I go to the stake shouting “Maybe! Sometimes!”? A martyr to uncertainty?

But what if I already professed absolute belief in the laws of nature? Hopefully I would only be called on to die for one belief at a time, because they kind of cancel each other out. Now I’m just confused again.

Sunlight

 

ponderosas

 

If sunlight falls on the meadow and nobody is there to feel it,

is it hot?

We know this: the brain cobbles together images from scattered data,

makes movement from a series of stills.

We know this: memories are rewritten every time we look at them.

So what can we trust?

My cat follows the sun, my horse retreats under a tree.

I mark the light’s angle and think of the clock.

Every thing under the sun has its own story to tell.

We know only this: sunlight falls.

 

How to find out who you really are

 

woman-alone-at-the-top-of-the-mountain

 

I dreamed I was buried.

A massive rock, oh so slowly,

settled over me, pinning me to the ground,

preserved in a crevice the size of a coffin.

I thought, “I will die here.”

I thought, “it will take days to die.”

I thought, “I can spend my time panicking or meditating.”

I thought, “no one will ever know which I chose.”

And that last was the worst.