Tag: introversion

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My Manifesto (or, It’s Not You, It’s Me)

No longer will I wear the disguise! No longer will I pretend to be cool or impervious or like everyone else! No longer will I call myself vile names for being weak in body or mind! No longer!

Instead, I will embroider a flag and wave it high. My flag will say:

  • I’m acrophobic and I won’t follow you up that climb with the sheer drop-offs on one or both sides.
  • I wither in the heat and I won’t be joining you for afternoon anything in high summer. In fact, I tend toward Seasonal Affective Disorder in the summer months anyway, so you might as well just leave me out of it.
  • I could drink the beer, wine, or cocktail you offer, but I would probably get a splitting headache shortly thereafter, not sleep well, and feel like crap tomorrow and I want to do things tomorrow. So, sorry but no.
  • I don’t know if I have social anxiety or I’m an introvert or I’m shy or what, but I cannot carry on small talk for very long, especially in crowded or noisy places. It’s not about you, but I’ll be out of there thank you very much.
  • At the end of a long day — or pretty much any day — I need to shut down all the stimulus. I need to be not talked to, not observed, not teased. Just for a while, or maybe for a long time. It’s not you, really, it’s me.
  • I go to bed early. That’s all.
  • I can’t sit in a chair very long. It cramps my body and makes me squirm inside and out. So I might lie on the floor or walk around while we talk. If I can’t do those things, I might leave soon. Same if it’s too hot or stuffy or cluttered. Not because of you, because of me.
  • I don’t enjoy music festivals. Or parties. Or large group dinners. Or receptions. Or airplane seatmates who talk. I just don’t.
  • When I get uncomfortable (from any of the above or anything else), it overtakes me hard and fast and I need to make a change. Quick. It could seem rude, but it’s not you, it’s me.
  • If I seem like a pain in the ass, imagine being me.

*Nothing in this manifesto should be construed to contradict that I love a good laugh, I love my friends deeply and forever, I am mostly brave and strong and often playful, I am multi-faceted, and I do my best. For further reading, consult hsp.com and Meyers Briggs and the Cambridge dictionary.

I’m going to need a big flag.

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From eddy to mainstream and back again

I’m not sure I want the year of quarantine to end. For 16 months, I’ve felt almost normal. No FOMO or kicking myself for not “participating.” The bars and conferences and receptions and art festivals were dark. No pressure to act like a regular person and just go to the damn thing and wear a smile and desperately try to understand what everyone else is enjoying. No energy spent on creative excuse design. No wondering what planet I’m from.

Instead, I was like an elder stateswoman at home in her element. A lifetime of experience made me a pro at staying home, hanging out with a small number of loved ones and the animals. For the first time I can remember, I felt the satisfaction of being in the mainstream, doing what everyone else was doing.

Good riddance to the illness and premature deaths! Well-deserved rest to the front line responders! Goodbye to the stifling masks and smelly hand sanitizer! But can we all just be a little homier now? Can I stay near the edge of the mainstream instead of eddying back out to the weirdo fringe?

Ah well, probably not. Back to the edges I go. But at least I learned something valuable — I didn’t miss the bars or conferences or receptions or art festivals one bit. I can throw FOMO out with my used masks. To each their own and I’m just a bit clearer on what my own is.